


if i’m going away, your heart is coming too

by zennie



Series: you and i collide [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Fix-It, Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12727002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zennie/pseuds/zennie
Summary: Part one of a series of stories about how Alex and Maggie find their way back to each other. Post 3x05 fix-its.In this one, Alex finds Maggie in the cold. They talk.Inspired by this quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?” -Willow to Oz





	if i’m going away, your heart is coming too

**Author's Note:**

> Not as polished as my typical stories and only softly beta'd by Boxer cuz we're both in the midst of NaNo. I didn't want to wait until December to post. All mistakes are mine.

The rising sun reflected off the sheen of ice on the pond, casting the room with red and orange streaks. Maggie wrapped her fingers around the diner mug, letting the ceramic warm her hands before she took a sip. The ancient furnace groaned and clinked as it kicked on, sending gusts of warming air into the kitchen.

A knock at the door interrupted her contemplation of the back yard and she set her mug down and shuffled across the room, swinging the door open without looking. “Tom, you better not be stopping by on my day off–” Maggie ignored the blast of freezing air across her stocking feet as she took in the woman on her doorstep.

“Alex.”

For a long moment, she stared in disbelief, like the woman shifting her weight between her feet and rubbing her hands was an apparition, born out of ice and dreams and come to life through some forgotten magic. Frozen air filled her lungs as she drew in a breath. “What are you doing here?”

“Freezing?” Alex was pale, almost gaunt, and thinner than the last time Maggie had seen her, half a world and over a year away. Her leather jacket, zipped to the neck, was built to withstand Pacific breezes, not the howling wind of the Nor’easter that was building for later in the day. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course.”

Snowflakes swirled around her as Alex stepped past Maggie to take in the large, farmhouse-style kitchen, the ancient gas stove contrasting with the gleaming state-of-the-art coffee maker. Maggie suppressed the urge to pick up last night’s dishes and wipe down the counter. “You want some coffee?” she offered to buy time, needing a moment to recapture her equilibrium.

“That would be great.” Alex didn’t sit at the table; instead, she stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, rubbing her hands together. She didn’t have gloves or even a hat, and her skin was already red from windburn. She didn’t belong here, in the cold, amid icy ponds and dunes of snow. It was like worlds colliding and collapsing, Alex, all sharp lines and black clothes, ripped from her context and transported here, to this world of blurred edges and neutral tones.

Maggie poured the coffee and added sugar on instinct, counting out the teaspoons in her head like she had done this every day for the last fifteen months. Her vision clouded and she blinked back the tears, breathing in deeply and letting it out.

A scratching sound had Alex reaching toward the waistband of her jeans, her eyes alert and searching, a reaction so familiar, so essentially Alex, that Maggie winced.

“Relax.” She padded to the back door, bracing herself for the cold before swinging it open and letting a small bundle of fur bounce into the kitchen, claws skittering and clicking on the linoleum. “It’s one of the good guys.”

Alex was already sinking to her knees as the puppy bounded over and flopped into her lap. “I love Huskies,” she said with a smile, and Maggie resisted the urge to say, I know. She didn’t ask if Alex knew that was why Maggie got the puppy from her neighbor in the first place.

She went back to the coffee, refilling her own before carrying both cups to the table.

“What’s his or her name?”

“Her name is Chewy. And be careful of your jacket.” Maggie gestured to where the puppy was already nipping at Alex’s sleeve. “She likes leather.”

“Like her mom?” Alex’s joke fell flat, and Maggie looked away. It was too early, too cold. Her ability to process had fled the moment she had opened her door. After all this time, Alex was here. In her kitchen. Drinking her coffee. Playing with her puppy.

“What are you doing here?” Maggie asked again. She wrapped herself in a hug, bracing. She knew; there was only one reason, but she refused to believe it, refused to accept it. She couldn’t. “Rogue aliens make their way to my part of the world?”

“No, I…” Alex’s teeth worried at her cheek and she was looking just past Maggie’s shoulder. It was her tell, the one Maggie used to win at cards or to know when to push Alex to say what was on her mind. Alex was nervous and trying to compose her words with care. In a minute, she would stand and start to pace, ignoring her coffee in her quest to speak.

The only difference from the last time they saw each other would be the puppy chasing her feet, trying to get her attention.

“Alex, don’t.” Maggie didn’t want to hear it, any of it, not after all these months. She had stopped waiting for Alex to appear when summer had turned to fall, lost the last of her hope with the first snowfall. It was too late.

But Alex didn’t listen. She never listened.

“I had to see you, Maggie. I need to talk to you.” She hesitated and glanced around the room. “Can we talk? Are you… alone?”

“Alone in this house right now, or single?” Alex flinched at her tone and tensed, as if she were expected bad news. “Yes, I’m alone. In all senses of the word.” Alex relaxed, and Maggie shook her head as she got her confirmation. “Just say it.”

“I miss you.”

“You miss me.” The words were flat, emotionless, a sharp contrast to the feelings that roiled beneath the surface, like water under a thick layer of ice.

“Yes, I miss you. I had to see you, tell you I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? For what? It was a mutual decision, right?” That was the story they had told themselves and pretended to be true. That way neither of them had to carry the blame.

“We both know it wasn’t. You wanted us to stay together, to fight through it. You were right. We should have. We should have postponed the wedding and stopped fighting and started talking.”

“Yeah, well, and you shouldn’t have hid your feeling from me. About kids. You lied to me for weeks, Alex. You let me think you were okay with not having kids.” Maggie bit her tongue at the stricken look on Alex’s face, but then Alex nodded, accepting the criticism. Maggie ran her hand through her hair and sighed. “It’s been over a year.”

“I know.” The months sounded as heavy in Alex’s voice as they did in Maggie’s heart. “I didn’t come to rehash the past. I just couldn’t stay away, not a moment longer. I had to see you.”

Alex finally started pacing, her body moving with her words. Maggie was just glad of the heavy farm table between them, the delineation of space. She had her side, and Alex had hers, just like always.

“When we got engaged, I thought I could have it all. You, the house, the dog… children. I wanted it all, all the things I never really thought I would have in my life. I had intimacy, a relationship, a person I loved. I had a future, suddenly, that wasn’t just being my sister’s caretaker. Once that… barrier was broken, I let myself dream of things I had given up on, like children.”

She sighed, in frustration, at her inability to convey the thoughts that had driven her here.”I wanted everything and I didn’t want to compromise. I didn’t want to work things out if they weren’t part of this perfect vision I had of my future.”

“I was selfish, and so stupid. I realized I don’t want any of it, not without you.”

Her words and feet stopped, and the only sound was a puppy, chewing on a toy, and the winter wind, howling beyond the windows. Maggie didn’t know what to say into the silence.

“Those months we were together, they were the best… the most amazing time of my life. Nothing feels the same. It’s been over a year and nothing even comes close.” Alex’s voice cracked. “I had everything right in front of me and I let it go. I let you go. I shouldn’t have.” She took a moment to compose herself, eyes closed, hair falling forward, before she raised her head, sweeping her hair behind her ear. “Maggie, say something, please.”

“What do you want me to say, Alex? Do you want to know that I miss you too? That I have this empty space in my heart that I won’t ever be able to fill?”

Alex took a step forward, breaking the boundary enforced by the table, and Maggie froze her with a look.

“The first time you pushed me away,” a pained laugh wormed its way up from her still-broken heart, “the day after our first night together, that, that was like a punch in the gut. The second time, when you broke off our engagement, that,” Maggie swallowed past the memory, “that was a sword through my heart.”

A jagged breath escaped from her lungs. “I miss you. I think I’ll never stop missing you,” Maggie confessed. “And I’m sorry you haven’t been able to move on, but if you came all this way to get back together, the answer is no.”

“I still love you. I never stopped loving you. Can we just… try?”

Maggie’s eyes squeezed shut and her breath felt heavy in her lungs. She tightened her arms across her chest, holding herself together as best as she could. “Alex, I can’t. I, you just, gave up. On us. On me. I can’t… I can’t survive another try. It would kill me, to have you and lose you again. To have you give up on me again. It would kill me,” she repeated, “and I can’t do that again, not for anything. Not even for you.”

The first time Maggie had played some variation of this scene out in her head, she had been on a monotonous stretch of highway in Kansas. The road stretched out, never-ending, across the vast plain of empty fields, and she had imagined Alex chasing after her, hunting her down at some roadside diner, and begging her to come back.

Since then, she had pictured it numerous times: Alex, showing up in some unexpected place, saying she was sorry and asking for another chance. Telling her they could compromise on having children if only they were together. The locations changed, the words changed, but the ending was always the same: Maggie always gave in, fell into the arms she missed every night, tears of joy and sorrow mingling as they slid down her cheeks.

But now, tears refused to fall, joyful or otherwise. She froze in place, fingers digging into the countertop hard enough to strip a nail. She refused to move, to cross the space, to give in. Because as much as she wanted her happy ending, as much as she deserved her happy ending with Alex, the one woman she loved more than herself, she couldn’t open up her heart again. It was too much.

“I still love you but I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Of course.” Alex’s eyes dulled, and Maggie saw the spark of hope die in those brown depths. “I, I shouldn’t have, I should go.” Alex looked around the room, as if she had something to take with her, before she realized she hadn’t brought anything in. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause you any more pain. I just…” Her voice caught and she turned away, her hands wiping at her eyes as she opened the door and fled.

She hadn’t even touched her coffee.

Maggie rooted her feet to the floor to keep from running after her, holding back the words Alex, don’t go. Chewy whined at her feet, protesting the cold that seeped in where Alex hadn’t pulled the door completely shut. She scooped the puppy up in her arms and stumbled to the door, pushing it shut and leaning her forehead against the glass.

A warm tongue caught the tears that were finally falling, and the cold glass stung her skin.

Eventually, a sound reached her ears, tires spinning in the snow, straining to find purchase. Fuck. Maggie glanced out the window, even though she knew what she would see: Alex’s rental, stuck in the snow and ice. A freaking Kia? Why did they even rent those cars in Maine in the wintertime?

With a sigh, Maggie set Chewy down and went to find her boots.

***

Alex jerked up from where she was resting her forehead on the steering wheel, and Maggie could see she was crying. She hoped her own tears would be chalked up to the wind. She gestured at the window, and Alex wiped at her cheeks before rolling down it down.

A blast of heat hit Maggie in the face. “You are not going to get out of this snowbank in that car, even if we we could dig out your tires. We’ll have to call a tow truck.”

“I…”

“Come back inside.”

“No, Maggie. I can wait here if you can call.”

“Please? It will take a while and you can’t just sit out here.” Maggie ignored the note of pleading in her voice; she could hate herself for it later.

Alex considered before she finally nodded, giving in to the inevitable. As she exited the rental, Maggie reached past her to snag the duffle on the passenger seat. “Your stuff will freeze out here and leak all over,” she explained when Alex shot her a confused look.

Snow was falling harder as they trudged up the driveway to the porch, storm clouds gathering, a dark, angry blue like midnight rolling in to hide the sun. They stomped the snow off and shed their boots by the door in silence. At least Alex had worn her combat boots, the only weather-appropriate piece of clothing she had with her.

This close, Maggie could see the hollowness in her cheeks, the deep circles under her eyes. Her heart lurched to see Alex in pain, a reflex she knew she would never outgrow. Her hands twitched as she fought back the urge to pull Alex in for a hug and sweep her hair away from her face. It was longer than it had been months ago but still not as long as Maggie’s own, and it framed her face in loose waves.

“When did you fly in?” Maggie asked, letting her worry get the best of her.

“This morning. Came in on the red-eye.”

“They still do those?”

“Apparently.”

“I’m amazed you made it here, in that car, in the dark.” The twisting roads to Blue Hill were known to be treacherous.

Alex shrugged like it was no big deal, but then relented under Maggie’s raised eyebrow. “It was not a fun drive. I white-knuckled it the entire way.”

“And then you parked in a snow drift.”

“It was dark, and I was in a hurry.”

“Did you eat?” Maggie asked, although she knew the answer. When Alex was on a mission, she didn’t stop to eat or sleep. Alex opened her mouth to lie, but Maggie didn’t let her. “Go,” she said, shoving Alex toward the couch that dominated the living room. “Get comfortable. I’ll make breakfast.”

A second later, Maggie heard Alex set her Glock on the chest that doubled as a coffee table, a strangely comforting sound. She refreshed Alex’s coffee cup and brought it out. “Did you impersonate an Air Marshall to be able to fly with that thing?”

Alex froze as she reached for her cup. “Um, maybe.”

“You and your magic, all-purpose ID.” Maggie laughed, feeling something that wasn’t anger or sadness breaking through at last. She perched on the armchair as something warm and comfortable replaced a tiny bit of the hurt that surrounded her heart. “I would have thought they got rid of those when the DEO came out of the shadows.”

“Still comes in handy sometimes.”

“Like when you want to keep your weapon close?”

Alex shrugged, but she didn’t look repentant. If anything, she looked smug. She took a sip of her coffee and toyed with the mug in her hands. “This is not how I pictured your new place,” she admitted.

“I sank most of my savings into buying the place, so renovations are slow going.”

The living room was her next big project, although Maggie’s appreciation for the bare, rustic decor had grown on her. She had already decided to keep most of well-aged wood floor, replacing only those boards worn beyond repair. Her handyman had already scrounged replacements from old barn of the same era, painstakingly searching for the best match. Beams and the century-old stone fireplace that dominated the living room would be lovingly preserved.

“I’ll, ah, replace most of the furniture, repaint the walls, and refinish the floor this summer.”

Alex rested her head on the arm of the sofa with a happy sigh. “Not going to get rid of the couch, I hope. This is nice.”

Most of the furniture had come with the house, and her one big purchase apart from the new bed was the leather couch that looked like it had been rescued from a mid-century whiskey bar. She had found it at an estate sale her first month in Maine, and it was her favorite possession. On nights when the bed felt too big and empty, which was still too often, she inevitably found herself cuddled there.

“That stays. The 70s-era monstrosity is getting thrown out though.” The chair was ugly and uncomfortable, and she had a sudden flash of embarrassment that she still had it in the house for Alex to see. Not that, after the first month of moving in, she had ever expected Alex to show up.  

Alex nodded, but her eyes fluttered shut, and a few moments later, she began to snore. Pulling the throw from the back of the couch, Maggie tucked it around her. She refilled her own mug and snagged her book. Frowning at the detested chair, Maggie gave in, climbed over Alex’s feet, and settled into her own corner of the couch. A whimper reached her ears, and she scooped up Chewy to join them. She slid her feet under the blanket as the pup circled a couple of times before curling up in the crook of Alex’s legs.

It was exactly the kind of domestic scene Maggie had imagined for their married life together, and the loss hit her anew. She could have this, again, maybe, for a little while. After all, it was why Alex was here. But Maggie didn’t dare hope Alex’s appearance was anything more than loneliness or a quest for some sense of comfort. Alex wasn’t telling her the whole story, not yet. Whatever had driven her to Maine, heartbreak or the pressures of her job or some fight with her sister, it wouldn’t keep her here.

She wouldn’t stay in Maggie’s life. She never did.

That was why Maggie couldn’t let her back in, why she couldn’t allow herself to have hope. She was never enough, and everyone always left. Too many nights with a bottle of scotch as her companion during the winter months had helped her realize and even accept that she would be alone.

That knowledge was freeing, in its own way.

She had told Alex the truth. Losing Alex again would kill her, shatter her beyond repair. She had managed to walk away from their broken engagement, but it had taken all of her strength to leave and months to stitch herself back together. Maggie was sure she didn’t have it in her to do that again.

Her book forgotten, Maggie stared out the back window and watched the snow fall. It coated the pond and pine trees that edged her property until the world lost its sharp edges, became muted and hushed. She had trekked all the way across the country to lose herself in this fuzziness, hoping time and distance would eventually dull the cutting pain into a faint ache, and she had accomplished that. Throwing herself into work and the house, she had tried to fill every moment of every day until she fell into bed, exhausted, so memories wouldn’t haunt her dreams.

Alex’s appearance threw that careful equilibrium into chaos. As Maggie’s gaze drifted from the soft landscape to Alex’s angular cheekbones, she felt a familiar pull along with a renewed stab of pain through her heart.

Giving in to Alex would be like sinking into a snowback, soft and bracing, and just as deadly.

***

Alex started awake, and Chewy yelped, rousing Maggie from the light daze she had fallen into when her book hadn’t held her attention. “It’s okay,” she soothed, resting her hand on Alex’s leg without thinking.

“Maggie.” Alex smiled, sleepy and sweet, as if she were waking from a pleasant dream to an even happier reality. It took a moment before she remembered what had happened, and she shrank in on herself, her leg slipping out from under Maggie’s hand. “What time is it?”

“Not late, a little after noon.” The storm had moved in and the room was noticeably darker. “I was about to wake you and fix us something to eat.”

“You don’t…”

“Your car is a snow-covered lump in the drive and tow trucks are out rescuing stranded motorists caught in the storm. It’ll be a while, maybe even a couple of days, before you get out of here.”

“Really?” Alex craned her neck to look out the bay windows. “Maggie, I’m sorry. Maybe I can get to town and get a hotel room so you aren’t stuck with me? It’s not fair.”

“It’s fine, Danvers.” Chewy had reclaimed her piece of the blanket and was bumping Alex’s hand, demanding attention. “Besides, you’ve made a friend.”

Alex scratched behind Chewy’s ears and was rewarded with a hard thumping of her tail against the couch cushion. Glancing at Maggie, her smile widened. “I think she likes me.”

Like mother, like puppy, came the words, unbidden, into Maggie’s mind. God, she was beautiful, hair mussed and clothes wrinkled, eyes still a little blurred from sleep. Maggie loved waking up to Alex and kissing her awake, the alarm clock forgotten as they lost themselves in each other. She wished she didn’t remember that.

“Eggs and bacon okay for lunch?” she asked.

“Yeah. Thanks.” Alex looked out the windows again at the snow and sighed. “I really didn’t think this out very well.”

Maggie didn’t comment on Alex’s penchant for jumping head-first into things without thinking them through. It was what got them here in the first place, the rushed proposal and the headlong engagement. Alex jumping onto a flight at the last minute and flying across the country to apologize on the spur of the moment seemed fitting. Why now, after all this time, was the question Maggie didn’t ask. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

Retreating to the kitchen, Maggie fixed a fresh pot of coffee before starting on lunch. A deep nostalgia overtook her as she remembered cooking in Alex’s kitchen–their kitchen, she corrected herself. She recalled how it had felt, those few, precious months of sharing the same space with Alex as they prepared to spend their lives together.

“Hey, you okay?”

Alex had crept up on her. She rested her hip against the counter and dipped her head to catch Maggie’s eyes. Maggie knew she hadn’t missed the tears. She cleared her throat and busied herself with the eggs. “Yeah. Fine.”

Alex’s hand hovered between them, as if she wanted to bridge the gap, but then she dropped it with a small sigh. “Bathroom? I should freshen up.”

Maggie pointed without looking up, and the kitchen was suddenly colder without Alex. Claws scrabbled as Chewy bounded over, her paws on Maggie’s knees for a petting before darting off to chase a shadow.

“Can I help?” Once Alex would have just jumped in, but now she asked permission. Everything was so familiar yet so different, and Maggie mourned the ease they had once had with one another.

“You want to start a fire? We might need it if the power goes out.”

“Sure.”

By the time Maggie set the plates on the table, the fireplace was roaring and candles ringed the room. Alex blew out a match and turned, the flickering light playing across her skin and twinkling in her eyes. She looked so much like the woman Maggie had fallen in love with that it brought a lump to her throat.

Alex must have seen something in Maggie’s eyes. “Is this, is this okay?” she asked with a worried frown.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” If Maggie’s voice was rougher than it should have been, they both ignored it. “Come eat.”

A puppy determined to get table scraps kept them occupied while they ate. Even after Maggie told Alex Chewy was on a strict, no-people-food, diet, she caught her slipping bits of bacon to the puppy when she thought Maggie wasn’t looking.

When Maggie called her out, Alex blushed but her lips twisted into a smirk.

“You wanna see something fun?” Maggie asked as she placed the dishes in the sink and slung a towel over her shoulder. She headed over to the door, whistling for Chewy. Throwing open the door, the puppy bolted out across the deck and ran head-first into a snowbank.

Her tail wagged as she hopped through the ankle-high snow, barking and chasing snowflakes. Uncoordinated, she flopped onto her side before getting traction and taking off after a squirrel. She ran it all the way to the woodline and then bounded back and forth as if laying down the law.

Alex crowded into the doorway with Maggie, the faint smell of her shampoo mingling with the wood smoke in the air. She watched the puppy, and Maggie watched her, taking a moment to soak up the sight of Alex Danvers laughing and smiling like the intervening time and heartbreak hadn’t happened. Finally, Alex became aware of Maggie, and she turned her head to gaze directly into Maggie’s eyes.

A yelp signalled an incoming puppy as Chewy tired of the cold, and Maggie stepped back and dropped to her knees. Sliding on the floor, Chewy ended up a wet mess in Maggie’s lap and received a vigorous towel-down for her trouble. It was one of her favorite things, and she jumped and tried to lick Maggie’s face as Maggie dried her.

“Want to help?” Maggie indicated the stack of towels by the back door, and Alex joined in, giggling as Chewy skittered between the two of them and grabbed towels in her teeth to play tug-of-war.

“She’s energetic.”

“Too energetic, sometimes.” Maggie grabbed a tennis ball and rolled it across the floor. Sprinting after it, Chewy overshot and skidded past, ending up an awkward pile of limbs before chasing it down and bringing it back triumphantly.

She dropped it in front of Alex with a bark, and Alex obliged, sending ball and puppy across the living room again.

“She’ll let you do that until your arm feels like it’s going to fall off,” Maggie cautioned with a laugh as Alex fought the puppy for the ball. Finally, after the tenth or twentieth time, Chewy flopped down on the ball and started chewing on it.

“She’s so cute.”

“Yeah, she knows it, too. Don’t you? Don’t you?” Maggie cooed to the puppy before catching the glint of amusement in Alex’s eye. “She’s going to the dog trainer, but apparently Huskies are strong-willed and independent.”

Alex laughed at that, and Chewy looked up, giving them a floppy-eared head tilt. “She knows we’re talking about her.” She glanced down at her wet clothes. “I… smell like wet dog.” Alex’s nose wrinkled as Chewy circled the rug in front of the fireplace and tucked herself in for a nap. “I should probably…”

“Yeah, me too.” But neither of them moved to get up; if anything, Alex leaned in, her gaze flickering to Maggie’s lips before meeting her eyes. It would be so easy to close the distance, fall into the kiss, fall into Alex, and Maggie wanted to, more than anything.

Alex’s expression was open and easy to read, even after all this time. She clearly wanted to kiss Maggie but she didn’t push. Maggie wasn’t sure if she was grateful or annoyed by that, because it would easier if Alex made the first move. And one of them was going to make a move, of that Maggie was sure. There would always be something between them, simmering just under the surface. They would slip and end up in bed, just like before. Love and desire had never been their problem.

When Maggie spoke, it wasn’t any of the words that were bubbling up in her chest. “Your bag is by the door, if you want to change into something that doesn’t reek of eau de puppy.”

The disappointment that flashed across Alex’s face mirrored Maggie’s own. “That’s a good idea.” She pushed herself off the floor and extended a hand, pulling Maggie up with her. Alex didn’t let go, not immediately, and her thumb rubbed over Maggie’s knuckles. “Maggie?”

Maggie sucked in a breath and held it. “Yeah?”

“I know, me just showing up here, was unexpected, and really rude, but thanks. For letting me in, just a little bit. I missed this.”

“Yeah, me too.”

If they held each other’s gaze for just a little too long, if their eyes exposed their desires just a little too nakedly, they didn’t comment on it.

“You, um, mind if I take a shower?”

“Of course not. Use the master bath, in my bedroom.” Maggie gestured vaguely back toward the back of the house. “You’ll need to let it run for a while to heat up.”

Alex grabbed her bag and headed back, and Maggie waited until the shower started before she went to change. The sound of water sluicing in the shower brought back memories of lazy Sunday mornings and the continuation of bedroom activities in the bathroom, and the temptation to join Alex was almost overwhelming.

Instead, Maggie changed, hurrying in fear of being caught. She slipped on a thick fisherman’s sweater and a fresh pair of jeans. Detouring through the kitchen, she grabbed a couple of glasses and a bottle of wine before joining Chewy on the rug in front of the fire.

If the picture she painted in the firelight, her hair down and shimmering, the cream of the sweater contrasting with her dark skin and even darker hair, well, that was just a bonus.

It must have worked, because when Alex came out, she stood silently behind Maggie for a long time. Maggie felt Alex’s eyes on her, but she didn’t turn, pretending to be lost in thought as she stared into the flames.

This was a dangerous game, but some small petty part of her wanted Alex to know what she had given up, what she was missing, even though she knew Alex was acutely aware. But Alex had been right; the breakup hadn’t been mutual, and the rejection, after all they had been through, still stung.

Finally, Maggie turned with a smile, only to be struck by the naked hunger in Alex’s eyes. Appreciation, she had expected, even desire, but not… raw need. Not lust. Alex’s throat bobbed and her breathing deepened before she wretched her gaze away, glancing out the windows at the slate-grey sky and steadily falling snow. “I keep expecting it to stop snowing, like there can’t be more snow to fall.”

“It’s supposed to snow through the night. We’ll probably get another foot on top of what’s already out there.”

“Huh.” The fire in her eyes was banked when Alex looked back at her, banked but still smoldering. “You want one?” she asked as she crossed to the couch and grabbed a pillow.

“Sure.”

Alex arranged them against the chest before sinking down beside Maggie. “Is this okay?”

“Of course.” Maggie could barely hear her voice over the pounding of her heart. Jesus, this was such a bad idea. The longer Alex stayed, the more they revived their lost intimacy, the weaker Maggie’s resolve became. The only thing holding her back was the impenetrable wall of ice that encased her heart, formed from too many hurts and too much pain, that no heat seemed capable of melting.

But even that niggling voice in her head didn’t keep her from offering Alex a glass of wine and letting Alex snuggle against her side. She wanted this, even if it was just a stolen moment during a snowstorm. She wanted Alex, in whatever way she could have her, if only for the night.

She could repair the damage to her heart after Alex left.

“So Sheriff Sawyer,” Alex teased, bumping her shoulder against Maggie’s, “how did you end up at Cabot Cove? Did Jessica Fletcher need some help?”

Groaning, Maggie rolled her eyes. “I would have expected that joke from your sister, but not you. Should I ask how things are going at the Men In Black Headquarters, Agent A?” Alex smiled around a sip of wine, and Maggie groaned again. “You and Kara have been joking about me living in Maine, haven’t you?”

“Just once,” Alex confessed. “When I told her I wanted to see you. So why here?”

“Why not?” Maggie stared down into her wine, toying with the stem of the glass. “I dunno, I was just… looking for a change. Something different. I started applying to places, just seeing what was out there. I came out here for an interview and, I dunno, I guess I fell in love with the place. Just something about it, the rocky coastlines and Yankee resolve. it just fit.” She dug her fingers into Chewy’s fur as the puppy snored, rubbing behind her ears. If nothing else, she loved the freedom, unconstrained by life in the city and unencumbered by expectations of her former life.

“Do you enjoy the work? I mean, you must not get a lot of crime up here.”

“Technically, as the Sheriff, I’m the Chief of Police for the county, appointed, not elected.” Pride infused her voice; she had beaten out several higher-ranking officers for the job. The hiring committee had appreciated her wide range of skills, from hostage negotiation to experience with aliens.

“Unlike Cabot Cove, we don’t have a body dropping every week. But there’s a sizeable opioid problem and a small population of aliens who have taken up residence in a nearby town. I’m in charge of crafting the policy on law enforcement for the expected influx of aliens in the next five years and I’m on the statewide committee to write protections into the state constitution.”

“So I heard.” A similar note of pride was in Alex’s voice, and Maggie’s heart swelled. She had kept tabs on National City and Supergirl, hoping for news on Alex, but she hadn’t expected Alex to do the same.

Maggie shrugged. “It keeps me busy, and it’s important work.”

“Yeah, it is.” Alex’s fingers slid through Maggie’s hair to tuck it behind her ear, the touch unexpected but not unwelcome. “You are so amazing.” Her hand dropped but she held Maggie’s gaze. “I’m glad you… found a home here.”

“But…?” Maggie asked as Alex turned away to stare into the fire.

“But you just… disappeared. I know the… the—”

“Breakup.” Maggie didn’t say the other ways she described it, the shattering of her world and heart into a million pieces. The day she lost the one thing she had come to count on in her life. The day she lost her home for the second time.

“—breakup, that it was hard, but suddenly, you weren’t anywhere. And I dunno, I just, I missed you. I looked for you everywhere. I kept waiting for you to show up at a crime scene or at the bar, and you just didn’t. I guess I thought we would somehow stay in each other’s lives.” Alex sighed. “I’m sorry. I hate that I drove you away, from a job you loved, from friends, from… me.”

Anger sparked, hot and fluid in her gut. “Do you really think I could have stayed? Do you really think we could have stayed in each other’s life after, after everything? Jesus, Alex.”

“It just—”

“Do you know the memories I had stored up? Every street corner had something that reminded me of you or our wedding or the future we were going to have together.” Chewy stirred, and Maggie pulled her into her her lap, wrapping her arms around the puppy and burying her face in the fur. “The warehouse where we arrested the Inferian. Our favorite coffee shop, the neighborhood pizza place. The pastry store where we ordered our wedding cake. The fucking church where we were going to get married.”

A sob broke from her chest and tears fell freely now. Chewy whimpered in protest of her tight grip and the emotion in her voice, and she eased off, soothing the puppy back to sleep with soft pets and kisses.

“Maggie, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you like that.”

“But you did. You did, and it hurt too much to stay. If I had stayed, I would have been reminded of that hurt every day. It would have been like living in Blue Springs after my dad kicked me out, never knowing when I would run into my mom at the grocery store or have to see my dad cross the street to avoid walking past me. And I couldn’t go through that again.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Alex’s fingers knitting and twisting. If she lifted her head, she was sure she would see fresh tears in Alex’s eyes. Maggie steadied herself, feeling a little of the pain go with the anger when she breathed out. “National City was haunted with a future that was never going to be mine. Here, at least, I could heal. I could move on without all the reminders of what was supposed to be.”

Finally, Maggie met Alex’s eyes. “You took it all away, Alex. I know you didn’t mean to, but you did. And I couldn’t live in a ghost town.”

The tear tracks on Alex’s cheeks mirrored her own, and Maggie regretted that her truth was causing Alex pain. But Alex needed to hear it. She needed to know how Maggie felt at being cast aside. Needed to know that it was a wound that still wouldn’t heal, no matter what Maggie did.

Something lurked in those dark eyes, some hidden hurt that had struck deep and left Alex shattered and broken. The reason, the real reason, Alex had come to see her was close to the surface. She just had to ask the right question.

“Alex, why are you really here?”

“What? I…” Maggie gave her that look, and Alex swallowed past a lump in her throat, nodding slightly. Her fingers twitched and she fisted her hands as she gazed into the fire. When she spoke, she sounded a million miles away. “You remember that night we got together?”

“Of course.” How could Maggie forget? She had practiced what she was going to stay the whole way there, the utter terror in her guts almost sending her running as she raised her hand to knock on Alex’s door. It had been one of the best nights of her life, but now bittersweet and tainted, seeped of color and happiness.

“Well, I didn’t stop off for pizza and beer, but…”

“You almost died?”

“Again, yeah.” Alex sighed. “Technically, I did die. I coded. Twice.” Her tone was light, almost flippant, as she attempted to downplay the seriousness.  

Maggie waited until it was clear no details were forthcoming. “Tell me,” she insisted.

“Maggie, It… doesn’t matter. I can’t undo the damage I’ve done or make up for the hurt I caused. I shouldn’t have come.”

Her hands framed Alex’s face, forcing the other woman to meet her eyes. “Tell me.”

Alex pulled back, just enough to grasp the edge of her sweater and tug it up. Half-healed red claw marks marred the skin of her stomach, the slashes angry and deep from her navel to her hip. Compelled, Maggie reached out and traced the scars with a finger, pretending not to notice how Alex’s breathing faltered at her touch. “What happened?”

“The usual. A raid to round up a rogue alien, except we didn’t know there were two aliens. We were blindsided and, well....”

Silence stretched as Alex fought to find the words. She laid her hands on top of Maggie’s, caressing her fingers.  “I heard what you said, and I know this doesn’t change anything, but… as I was lying there, bleeding out in yet another dusty, deserted warehouse, my life didn’t flash before my eyes. You did.”

A choked sob escaped. “I could feel my legs, my fingers, growing cold, and all I could think about was you. I needed to know if you were okay, if you were happy, if, if you missed me as much as I missed you.”

“When we, when we… I was so selfish. I thought our relationship would keep me from having it all, from having kids along with the house and the dog. But… I’ve learned, over the last year, my all starts and ends with you.” Alex ran her finger down Maggie’s cheek, wiping away tears.

“I can’t have it all if I don’t have you. I tried, so hard… I dated, looked into adoption, artificial insemination, did everything to try to fill the hole you left in my heart. And as I lay dying, I had to face the fact that nothing would work, that I would never be whole without you.”

If Alex’s appearance on her doorstep opened old wounds, her confession eviscerated Maggie, putting into words all the pain, betrayal, and love she had carried with her for so long, for too long.

She had always known they had been in different places in their lives, and she had accepted the danger that it would tear them apart. And when it happened, the worst thing was, she understood. She had even expected it. The trepidation had grown every day they got closer to the wedding, and every milestone had added to the sense of dread.

It had almost been a relief when it ended.

That’s why she accepted it without fighting; she had already resigned herself to the inevitable. She wouldn’t be enough for Alex, or anyone, until she was enough for herself, until she could stand on her own without anyone by her side.

Confronting her dad had been an important first step, and walking away from Alex had been a second. She had come to realize, somewhere in the quiet of her own thoughts, she would rather be alone in her own strength than be dependent on the approval and love of others. That lesson had saved her during those cold, lonely nights.

“That’s why I’m here, even though it’s too little, too late. I needed you to know you were the last thing on my mind. Just like when I was drowning. It was you. It’s always you. Not my sister or even some future child. Just you.”

Maggie caught Alex’s chin and raised her head, seeing the tears streaming down her cheeks. Pulling her close, Maggie wrapped her in the hug she had been holding back since Alex showed up in the snow. Chewy gave a yelp and squeezed out from between them as Alex clung to her, her hands fisting in Maggie’s sweater.

When she quieted, Maggie asked, “When did this happen? Why… why didn’t someone call me?”

“It was about five weeks ago. Kara was going to, but I told her not to. I didn’t want you to come back because you felt obligated or something. I, it was hard, though, without you there. I was in the hospital for a week because of a secondary infection and,” Alex gave a small, sad laugh, “I thought maybe Kara would call you anyway. I kept waiting for you to walk through the door. The one time she listened to what I told her was the one time I wished she had ignored me. Stupid, huh?”

“Someone should have told me. I still… care about you. I would have come.”

Nodding, Alex swept a lock of hair behind her ear. “I know you would have. But it’s better, that I came to you. To tell you about it myself.”

“Why didn’t you lead with that this morning?”

“You looked... devastated when you opened the door, like your worst nightmare had come true. I was afraid you would listen to me out of pity. And,” Alex shrugged again, her eyes skittering away, “you were right. I hurt you too deeply for you to just forgive me and try again.”

A log split in the fireplace, sending a flurry of sparks up, startling them both. “Five weeks. Why now?”

Shrugging her shoulder, Alex looked sheepish. “I was afraid. I would have deserved you slamming that door in my face this morning or leaving me to freeze in the snow bank, you know? I didn’t want to face it.”

Alex took her hand and held it, tracing patterns in her palm, and Maggie fought the urge to squirm at the strangely intimate touch. “The month you moved here, I memorized the flight schedule to Bangor. Kept a bag packed. Maggie, I thought about flying out here every day.”

The ache in her chest expanded, driving the air from her lungs. Maggie wanted to ask, why didn’t you? Why did you leave me alone all these months? Why did you send me away to begin with? She let out an unsteady breath, willing herself past the surge of pain and betrayal. Her hand shook.

“After I got out of the hospital, I’ve been healing and trying to get up the nerve. And yesterday…” She paused.

“Yesterday?” Maggie prompted.

“I was looking through pictures of us on my phone. I hadn’t looked at them for, for a while, but I kept them. I kept them all. I never erased you, Maggie, I could never do that. And I realized that if I grabbed my bag, I could get to the airport just in time to catch the last flight out. And I did.”

“I did,” Alex repeated. “And here I am.”

“I’m… not sorry you came,” Maggie admitted. “I’m just sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

Alex’s fingers ghosted over her cheek. “Me too, but I shouldn’t have barged back into your life. It’s selfish of me to expect you to just drop everything and take me back.”

She leaned in and rested her forehead against Maggie’s, and Maggie smelled her shampoo in Alex’s hair, her body wash on Alex’s skin.

“Maybe, I could call? We could talk? Just… talk. Maggie, I tried to live my life without you in it and... it’s impossible. I can’t do it, and I can’t keep pretending I can. You are with me, you know? You always will be.”

Maggie had changed her shampoo when they broke up, hating the scent of it, hating the memories it evoked, but now Alex smelled of her new brand, and she wondered what she would have to excise out of her life after Alex left. But right now, she didn’t care as she brushed back the drying tips of Alex’s hair and curled her fingers around the back of Alex’s neck to urge her closer.

The touch of Alex’s lips was like stepping into the house after too long outside. The heat stung even as it comforted, alternatively bracing and soothing.

“Maggie...”

“Shhh.” Maggie silenced her with another kiss, deeper this time, sparking a deep-seeded need into flame to melt the ice around her heart. She felt tears on her cheeks, but she wasn’t sure if they were hers or Alex’s as Alex framed her face and held her as she deepened the kiss.

They broke apart just long enough to breathe and for Maggie to pull Alex’s sweater up and over her head, throwing it in the direction of the couch. Her fingers drifted over the scar, remembering. “Will it hurt you if…”

“It’s okay.”

“Alex.”

“It’s a good pain. It will remind me that I’m alive and that we, maybe, we have a chance?” There was a question in Alex’s voice, but there was no time to answer. Alex’s hands slid under Maggie’s sweater, tugging it up. “Maggie? Please?”

Nodding, Maggie raised her arms, letting her sweater join Alex’s on the floor. Alex’s kiss was hesitant, almost shy, as they met, mouth-to-mouth, skin-to-skin. Alex fumbled with the clasp of her bra, like their first time, and Maggie kissed her nerves away and did it herself.

It was both comforting and thrilling, new and ancient, to touch Alex again, to make love to her. She had lost muscle, and her leanness had a frailty to it that it hadn't had before, and Maggie mourned that loss. She was careful, gentle, even when Alex urged her to go harder or faster.

When it was her turn, Alex worshipped her body, tentative at first, but with rising passion as heat pooled between her legs. Maggie came, held tight in Alex’s arms, and tears spilled from her eyes.

She clung to Alex with all her strength as she recovered, as if through physical strength alone she could keep her there. Finally, they ended up on the couch, curled up under the blanket.

Maggie leaned back against the arm of the couch, her arm wrapped around Alex’s waist as they cuddled and watched the fire burn down. Outside, the snow still fell, muffling the world, and the quiet fuzziness intruded into the living room. A few moments of peace to memorize the feeling of Alex in her arms once again, to trace the scars, old and new, on her body. Maggie knew it would have to last her a lifetime.

“This doesn’t change anything.” Maggie hated the words she had to say, but she wouldn’t lie to Alex. “I have a life here, such as it is. I won’t leave and return to National City.”

She felt Alex’s chest rise under her fingers as the other woman took a deep breath. “I know. I didn’t expect you to just walk away from your life. Not even I’m that selfish.” She paused for a long moment before asking, “What if… if I came here?”

The words were quiet, surprising, and it took a moment for them to register. Maggie imagined that, if they were reconciled, she would have to go back to reclaim her life, their life together. She never imagined Alex here, living among the ragged coastline and the waves that she couldn’t surf.

Maggie would be lying if she hadn’t thought about exploring the wild countryside with Alex at her side, hiking, kayaking, curling up under the comforter when the wind rattled the windows at night, but that dream was never destined to become reality.

Not until now.

“How could…” Maggie shook her head, unable to believe it was even a possibility. “You’d hate it here, and there’s no way you could leave Kara and the DEO.” Another heavy sigh greeted her ears, and Maggie leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the expression on Alex’s face. “What?”

“I don’t really have a job anymore, not as a DEO agent. My injuries were… extensive, and I’m months away from being able to take my field-readiness exams.” Her head tilted forward and her hair fell, obscuring her face. Maggie stroked it back, once, and then again, remembering how it soothed Alex. “And then, there’s Kara.”

“What about Kara?”

“She...  heard my heart stop. Twice. She’s traumatized at how close it was… again. She’s not sure she wants me in the field with her anymore, even if I get my fitness back.”

“You don’t think you’ll get it back?”

Alex shrugged, her finger trailing down Maggie’s arm where it was wrapped around her waist. “Not sure I care.”

She brushed her lips across Alex’s cheek. “That doesn’t sound like the badass Agent Danvers I know.”

“I’m not feeling particularly badass these days. A week in the hospital and a month in recovery to just be able to walk without pain will do that.”

“You’ll get it back.”

“And if I don’t? Is that really such a bad thing?” Alex sucked in a shaky breath. “Even before this happened, Kara was worried about me. I was… being reckless. Taking risks I shouldn’t have been taking.”

“Why?”

Alex's eyes when they met her were full of pain, and even accusation, and Maggie knew she was the cause before Alex spoke. “You were gone, and nothing, I just had nothing… Before I met you, it was just what I did. I was ready to sacrifice myself for my sister. For the DEO. For the greater good. I lived a half-life before I met you, and I think I was regressing.”

“I was slipping back to giving up on having a life outside of my sister and the DEO, and I think... I resented it. Like I did when we were kids, I resented giving up my life for my sister. But it was all I had, you know?”

“You should have moved on. Found... “ Maggie choked on the words, “someone else.”

Alex snuggled back into Maggie’s warmth more and pulled Maggie’s arm tighter around her. “I tried. I dated. I  was even kind of serious with someone for a couple of months but they weren’t you, you know? They didn’t make me feel the way you do.” Alex paused as she drew in a breath. “You really aren’t dating anyone?” She sounded surprised.

“No, not right now. I wouldn’t cheat again, not even with you. I’ve dated, a little, but I dunno, I’ve been learning to be on my own. I think I… needed to learn who I am without you. To rely on my own strength and be happy.”

“Yeah?” The tone in Alex’s voice was quiet, thoughtful. “Did you? Are you, I mean, happy? Without me?”

That was the question, and Maggie took a moment to answer. Alex’s body tensed in her arms, as if she were afraid of the answer. “Happy? I don’t know. Content? Maybe. I feel like I’m easier on myself, like I’ve stopped trying to prove that I’m worthy of love. I never really trusted that I was loved, after my parents rejected me. I was always… waiting… to be left. I mean, how could anyone love me when my own parents didn’t?”

Alex’s grip tightened on her hand and she raised their joined hands to brush a kiss over Maggie’s knuckles. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I mean, really, I’m okay. After my dad, after you… I dunno, I got time to focus on me. I spent so much time in my relationships with one foot out the door, ready to sprint as soon as I got a hint that things were going south.”

“Even…”

The sentence didn’t need to be completed; Maggie knew what she was asking. “No, with you, after a couple of months, I was all in. Both feet planted, but I still didn’t trust it, you know? I kept doubting, worrying, looking for the beginning of the end. So when it ended, I wasn’t surprised. I was just surprised it lasted as long as it did.”

Alex kissed her knuckles again and clasped her hand against her chest. “And I confirmed all your fears.”

“Yeah.” Maggie sighed. It was still hard to say the truths about herself, to talk about how deeply scarred and traumatized she had been at such a young age. She had denied that she had been broken, hid insecurity beneath a show of strength, for so long. “And it hurt; I was in so deep…” She blinked back tears again and breathed out to loosen the tightness in her chest. “But at the same time, I was all in. I never… did that before. I never committed that completely, opened myself up like that. I never realized I could.” Maggie shrugged. “I had never been that brave with my heart before.”

“And I stomped on it.” Alex’s tone was flat, guilt heavy in her voice. And if Maggie was being honest, she was glad to hear it. She blamed Alex, still, for not fighting hard enough, for not fighting for her.

But she couldn’t let Alex take all the blame.

“But it also meant I was capable of, of… that. Of giving that much of myself.”

They lapsed into silence, both alone with their own thoughts. Logs cracked in the fireplace and Chewy stirred, standing and stretching the length of her small body before bounding over with a bark. “I’m sorry, I have to let her out for a minute, and probably give her her dinner.”

“It’s okay. I’ll put another couple of logs on the fire?”

“Perfect, thanks.” Maggie kissed the crown of her head, and slid out off the couch. Before she could move away, Alex sat up, let the blanket fall and pool around her hips and expose her body to the chill air, and pulled Maggie in for a deep kiss. If Chewy hadn’t whined and nipped at her heel, Maggie would have pressed Alex back down into the cushions for round two.

She gave an apologetic smile as she broke the kiss and scrounged in the discarded clothes for her socks. Her sweater was oversized, the hem falling mid-thigh, and she decided that was enough with the thick wool socks to keep her warm.

“I’ve missed that.”

Maggie turned to see Alex staring. “What?”

“That view.” Standing, Alex stepped close and skimmed her fingers up Maggie’s legs and under her sweater. “You look really cute in this.”

“Alex...” Maggie caught her lip in her teeth as Alex caressed her thighs and nibbled her neck.

“Hmmm?”

“If the puppy has an accident, you are cleaning it up.”

Alex laughed. “Okay, fine.”

The porch lights cast light and shadow over the drifts in the backyard, and Chewy spent entirely too long playing when Maggie really wanted her to just do her business and come back in. But the night was beautiful, still and white, and Maggie sucked in a lungful of crisp, clean air and let it center her. The unsettled emotions that had whirled around her all day quieted. Maybe, just maybe, she could do this. They could do this. But they still had to talk about what had ultimately broken them up.

Finally, after another rubdown, she left Chewy in the kitchen slurping up her dinner.

Alex was lost in thought, her dark eyes troubled as she stared into the flames. Her knees were clasped to her chest under the blanket, and she looked lost and unsure, more adrift than Maggie had ever seen her.

“Hey.” Maggie stroked her hair and curled her fingers under Alex’s chin, raising it so she could gaze into Alex’s eyes. “What is it?”

“I just… did I make a huge mistake in coming here? Dredging all of this up? I… I don’t want to keep hurting you.” Maggie started to interrupt but Alex raised her hand to stop her. “I was selfish when I let you walk away, and I’m selfish now. I didn’t think, I mean, I did, I thought about what could happen, how you might feel, and, well, I knew I could be walking in on something and making everything worse. But I still came, because I had to see you. Because I wanted to.”

Sliding under the blanket, Maggie faced Alex on the couch. Moonlight through the frosted window gave half of her face an icy glow, while the flames lit the other side, flickering over her cheekbones and in her dark eyes. “I won’t say it wasn’t a shock, or that it isn’t still… difficult. But I’m glad you came. I’m glad we’re talking.”

Maggie chuckled. “And besides, I could have just left you in the snowbank and be done with you.”

“No, you couldn’t.” Alex caught her hand and squeezed. “Are you sure?”

“I never stopped loving you,” Maggie confessed. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Alex nodded, her eyes filling with tears. “I love you too.”

Their lips met again, and this time, their hands were bold, the drive to the pinnacle hurried and urgent, as if making up for lost time. Maggie attacked her neck, gripped her thighs, and entered her when she begged. And after she came, Alex rolled Maggie over and fucked her until she collapsed, shaking and spent.

With her last reserves of strength, Maggie wrapped Alex in her arms and kissed her shoulder. She wasn’t sure how she had lived without the weight of Alex in her arms, and she said as much. Alex gave a sleepy hum of agreement and whispered I love you. Her body grew heavy and relaxed in Maggie’s arms as she succumbed to sleep, and Maggie rested there, listening to her breathing and feeling her heart beat under her fingers.

As strong as she had been, as much as she had tried to stitch the tattered remains of heart into a patchwork quilt and told herself that was enough, she had missed this. “I love you,” she whispered, and Alex mumbled and sighed in her sleep, burrowing into Maggie’s heat.

Her eyes heavy, Maggie let Alex’s warmth lull her into a light doze.

She woke to Chewy tugging on the blanket and Alex’s laughter. They battled over the blanket for a few minutes. Alex tried to hush the puppy, even when Maggie’s lips curled into a grin against her skin and pressed kisses between her shoulder blades.

“You said something about a trainer?” Alex asked. “You might need to get your money back.”

“She’s still learning,” Maggie said with a rumble of laughter. “And if you think trying to take care of a puppy is bad, wait until you have kids.” Silence descended and Alex tensed her arms. “We have to talk about it, Alex.”

“Yeah. I  know.” But she didn’t talk. She tucked her hand in Maggie’s and drew Maggie’s arm tighter over her stomach, and Maggie didn’t need to see her face to know she was holding back tears.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“I…” Alex sucked in a sharp breath, as if she had been punched in the gut.

Her body began to shake, and Maggie knew she hadn’t heard it all yet. Squeezing her eyes closed, Maggie braced herself. “Tell me. You can tell me anything, remember?”

“I know.” Alex released the breath she was holding and scrubbed her hand across her face. “I mentioned artificial insemination?”

“Yeah.”

“I tried, I mean, I was trying, and, and....”

“Were you… were you pregnant when...” Maggie’s fingers traced the scars on Alex’s abdomen, unable to say the words.

“I don’t know. It was too early to tell, but I don’t think so.” Alex choked back a sob. “But now, I, I never will.”

The admission hit Maggie like a blow. “Your injuries?” she asked.

“Like I said, they were extensive.” A long, shuddering sigh was the beginning as Alex broke down in Maggie’s arms, her hand coming up to press against her eyes as the sobbing began in earnest.

“Oh sweetie.” Maggie tightened her hold and pressed kisses to Alex’s hair, letting the storm of crying run its course. Her heart ached for Alex’s pain and loss, knowing what it meant to her.

“Sorry.” Alex took deep breaths, the shaking of her body calming with each one. “I just, it’s still… hard.”

Rolling in Maggie’s arms, Alex framed her face and kissed her, deeply. She pulled back just enough so she could look in Maggie’s eyes and tucked Maggie’s hair behind her ear where it had fallen forward. “I need you to know something. I came here for you, because I realized I couldn’t live without you in my life.”

“What happened, it’s a catalyst, but even before I almost died, before I found out I might not be able to have a child…. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. When I said I loved you forever, I meant it. More than I even I knew. I still want that lifetime of firsts. With you. Only with you. I learned firsts are meaningless without you to share them with.”

Alex punctuated her words with fleeting kisses on Maggie's lips, on her cheekbones, on her dimples. “I wasted a year of our life together because I thought I could have a full, amazing life without you in it, and I was wrong.”

She was saying all the right things, and it was terrifying and exhilarating, in equal parts. “Are you sure?” Maggie asked, searching Alex’s eyes.

“You know, a wise woman once told me that life is short and we should kiss the girls we want to kiss.” Maggie smiled at that and her heart swelled at the loving expression on Alex’s face. “I’ve squandered enough time looking for something that I already found.”

“And children?”

Alex sighed. “I, I still want kids, maybe.”

“Maybe? That’s a… change.”

“I can still see myself as a mom, that still… resonates with me. But I have had a lot of time to think, and I don’t want children more than I want to be with you. I don’t want to miss more of my life waiting for happiness when I could have happiness now. I want to be happy. With you.”

Maggie sensed that there was more, that Alex wouldn't just turn her back on her dreams, like that. “What happened?”

“I dunno. I mean, you were right, in a way. Kids were a concept, a notion, an idea that I thought would make me happy. But, you know, I had some time. And I babysat Ruby a few times, volunteered at a couple of school events, and well, I’m not as good with kids as I thought. I thought taking care of Kara would prepare me for anything.”

“Not as easy as you thought it would be?”

“I hated it. I mean, I’m sure it would be different with my own child, but it wasn’t what I expected.”

“Was she a brat?”

Alex laughed. “Totally. I just felt so awkward and fumbling, and well, my job is dangerous. Even if I’m not out in the field, my sister is Supergirl, and that puts whoever is in my life in danger. It just doesn’t seem fair, and after what happened with Reign, the risk doesn’t seem worth it.”

Maggie had heard about that, the latest devastation in National City. She had asked about it in the street, in the grocery, afterwards. What had it been like to live there. How she had ever lived in a city that dangerous. Why she hadn't left before she did.

She hadn't told them, well, there was this girl…

“Are you sure?” Maggie asked again.

“Yeah. I, we talked… about how sometimes I sabotage myself? Can’t let myself be happy? I think… my inability to compromise, I mean... “ Pausing, Alex composed herself. “My sister was miserable. I had always imagined she would be unstoppable, like this superpowered dynamo, when we were planning it, and she was just absent. It hurt, more than I thought it would, that she wasn’t over the moon happy for me. For us. And it made me wonder…”

“If she wasn’t happy, why should you be happy?”

“Yeah. It’s stupid. And I felt guilty. I pushed her to be with Mon-el, in part because I think I needed her to be happy so I could be, and then it ended badly. Both times.”

“He...?”

“Don’t ask.” They both chuckled, and Alex snuggled closer to Maggie. “I think I was scared and couldn’t talk about it. I mean, I proposed and then I was the one with cold feet? It didn’t make any sense so I fixated on things, first my dad and then kids.”

“You, if I’m being honest, you weren’t the only one.” Alex shifted in her arms, staring at her in surprise. “I mean, I still don’t see myself as a mom, but I didn’t, I…” Tears burned in the corners of her eyes, and Maggie squeezed them shut.

“I wanted to be enough.”

The words, said out loud, sounded pathetic and desperate to her ears. They sounded like the words she had tried to muffle with blankets when she cried into her pillow when she was fourteen. What did I do? Why don’t you love me?

Please take me back. I’ll do anything.

“Oh, Maggie.” Alex wrapped her in her arms and stroked her hair, held her as she sobbed.

“I wanted to be enough. For you.” She couldn’t stop the words, once started. They flooded her mouth, forced their way past her lips. “I wanted you to love me enough that you didn’t need anything else. I wanted to be enough to base a future on.”

She was overheated, under the blanket, her face hot with shame and tears and her lungs hiccupping as she tried to breathe. Alex let the storm pass, her lips surprisingly cool when they brushed over Maggie’s forehead.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she muttered, again and again.

“I was being stubborn,” Maggie said when she felt able to speak again. “Because I wanted you to prove you loved me. More than anything. I wanted you to, to… give up your dreams of being a mom because you loved me more.”

The fire, crackling and popping, was the only sound for long minutes. “I....” Alex swallowed, “I have a lot, a lot, of regrets. Making you feel like you weren’t enough? That’s… going to stay with me for a while. Not seeing what was happening, not fighting harder for us? Not talking to you?” She shook her head. “I don’t know… if I can ever forgive myself. I don’t know how you ever could.”

“There’s enough guilt to go around. We should have postponed the wedding and talked more. I just… expected you to break up with me. So I didn’t fight as hard as I should have.”

“You were at least fighting.”

“We’ll just… have to do better. This time.”

“Yeah?” Alex shifted in her arms to stare at her, her thumb caressing Maggie’s cheek. “Are you… sure?”

Maggie nodded. “You have to be all in this time. I can’t be in this, all the way, all alone. If we do this…”

“I am. All in, I mean. I’ll do whatever it takes, Maggie, I’m serious. If you want me to get an apartment or something. Take it slow, or,” and here she laughed and pulled their naked bodies closer together. “As slow as we’re able. Which might not be very slow at all. But whatever it takes, for you to trust me again. I know I have a lot to make up for.”

Maggie considered. “I have a spare room. If we need to take it slow. But, Alex, are you sure you want to live here? Away from your family and friends? It’s cold and snowy and you aren’t really a winter kind of girl.  If you are miserable…”

“I’ll try. I’ll learn to ski or something. And we’ll talk if I’m not. But I need a change. I can’t… not be a field agent if I’m in National City. I can’t be that close and not try to help Kara, you know? And if I’m not… able, I’ll get myself killed. And other people as well.”

“And kids? If you aren’t in danger all the time, they would be an option.”

“I dunno. Maybe we can start small?”

“Like an energetic, overeager, strong-willed puppy?”

“Yeah, we’ll start with Chewy.” The puppy heard her name and gave a sleepy yip from where she was dozing in front of the fireplace. “And then, we can see? Make those decisions about our future together?”

She chuckled under her breath, and Maggie leaned back to see her face. “What?”

“You thought Gertrude was a bad name for a dog.”

“It is.”

“Uh huh. But Chewy….?”

“Is a great name for a dog. Descriptive. Accurate. As you will see.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I will.” There was awe in her voice and a small smile on her lips. Maggie hugged her close and tucked her head under Alex’s chin. “So we’re doing this?” Alex asked.

“Yeah, we’re doing this.”

“I’m glad my car got stuck in a snowbank.”

“Me too.”

Alex rolled in her arms, and Maggie grunted in protest as she half-slid out from under the blanket to search for something on the floor. Finally, she found what she was looking for and nestled back into Maggie’s arms. “I have something for you.”

The diamond sparkled in the firelight when she held it up for Maggie to see. Her ring. Their rings.

“It’s, they’re not, like engagement rings. Not yet. They could be, promise rings? I just, even after all this time, my finger feels empty. And I want you know that I promise to do better, to be better, this time.”

Maggie held out her hand and Alex slid the ring on her finger. It didn’t weigh anything at all, but it grounded Maggie nonetheless. It felt right, in a way nothing else had in the intervening months, to have Alex in her arms and the ring on her finger.

Alex put on her own ring and intertwined their hands, stretching them out so the flames could reflect off of them. Maggie stared out, past their rings, and into the white expanse beyond the window. For the first time in too many months, she felt whole and content. Their future played out on the canvas of snow in front of her eyes, and she saw Chewy grow up and Alex help her with the house. If she squinted, she could even see kids, teens, maybe fosters, working on homework while they cooked dinner, but that vision was far off in distance and might never be.

Tightening her grip on Alex’s hand, Maggie nuzzled against Alex’s neck with a happy sigh.

“I love you, Maggie Sawyer.”

“I love you, Alex Danvers.”


End file.
